CAMPAG VELOCET- It's Beyond Our Control

Is someone taking the Michael? Because this is being hailed by the grown-up music press as a "tour de force", "little short of a classic", "curiously compelling", "psychedelic punk hip-hop"… Nevermind that; it is baggy with a beatbox, for crying out loud. And it doesn't half go on. Whereas, after listening to Campag Velocet's latest release through Pointy Records, I no longer see the point. At times like these, I foolishly look to the band for salvation and guidance (and a little inspiration as I am, for once, lost for words).

In desperation, I bring you my favourite quote from singer Pete Voss: "Some of the lyrics are quite vicious, but I wanted to reflect what I see around me". OK, let's see. Ahem; "See my tambourine; ain't no funki tangerine; I will bang it in your face" ("Ain't no Funki Tambourine"). Please stop; I'm so scared. Although I will remember to replace that piece of citrus fruit I've been carrying around with said jangly musical instrument. I'm sure I will feel that much safer. Raaaah. Not to forget the poetic genius of "Who are the Trumping Men? We are the trumping men" ("Who are the Trumping Men?") Admittedly, it's a question I've asked myself many a time so I am happy that's been cleared up. Whatever this bloke is on, I'll have a double dosage.
But seriously. This means nothing to me at all. I can't relate to it. I don't get it and I don't want to. Sure, I understand that it's been recorded by the same guy that did "Screamadelica" and I enjoy the fact that it is blatantly different to anything else around yet music so kooky for the sake of it just makes me angry and frustrated. Not to mention tuneless. I am frightened they are trying to hypnotise me with their similar sounding songs. Although apparently it's not meant to make me feel comfortable because, again according to Uncle Pete, "life isn't comfortable" (great: as if we need reminding).

Whatever. In summary, I just find Campag Velocet a bit far-fetched, a bit pretentious and… well, yawn. My advice to those of you out there more susceptible than myself is to get your best indie shoes out of the wardrobe and gaze at them in preparation for their gig at the APU Bar next month. It certainly isn't circled on my calendar.

Anna Claxton